


Confidence, Cohen!

by mmbucky



Category: The OC
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 20:17:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/613894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmbucky/pseuds/mmbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having the confidence to pursue what really matters is an idea that Seth has to force himself to come to grips with in the end, but convincing Ryan to do the same is another battle altogether.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Heaving a deep sigh of despair, Seth slowly scanned the growing collection of empty Ding Dongs wrappers that littered his wrinkled bedspread. The sweetness of the chocolate was beginning to aggravate the back of his throat and he had stopped enjoying the taste long ago, but he continued to methodically take one bite after another, as though the progress would lead him towards a revelation. 

Weariness painted his next great sigh and he lifted an arm the short distance towards the remote control for his speakers, whining quietly as though the task was too much of a hardship. He pressed the ‘back’ button and the song began again, and his gaze dropped to where his right-hand man stood beside him, stoic and strapping as always. 

“Captain Oates, my noble steed,” Seth grumbled, squinting at the plastic horse. “You’re wise beyond your years; like that kid who sees dead people, or a young gypsy stealing the hearts and pocket change of unsuspecting tourists on the streets of Rome.” He forced the remaining bite of a Ding Dong that had been steadily melting in his hand past his lips, and continued to mumble around his mouthful. “Bestow upon me your wisdom, Oates. When was it that I turned to food for comfort?” 

The plastic horse remained plastic, and Seth’s expression remained pensive. He sighed yet again and nodded, “Alright, so you’re a man of few words, I get that. Much like a certain someone else we both know, Oates, a certain someone who, like yourself, uses his eyes to communicate and not his vocabulary.” He swallowed down the gooey mass of chocolate and crème, complete with a gag and a wince. “Why is it that I’m plagued by guys like you, Oates? Are you drawn to me because I more than make up for your lack of vocal contribution with my own witty banter?” Seth stared at the horse expectantly. “Blink once if you agree, Oates. Do I talk too much? Is that what the problem is? Because I always thought it was endearing, but is that the reason we’re both here yet again? Saturday night and it’s just you and me and the dulcet tones of Thom Yorke floating through the speakers. It’s like the ninth grade all over again.”

Seth screwed up the empty plastic wrapper in his hand and hurled it half-heartedly across his bedroom. He dropped his head back against the wall behind his bed loudly and scrunched his eyes shut. It had been a long day, and it was due to stretch out well into the small hours, and though by this point he should have been well on the way towards a sugar high, his mood was causing the adverse effect. The sky beyond his shuttered windows hadn’t been dark for long, and Seth’s mind wandered outside to a certain pool house where the crisis had surfaced the previous night. He still didn’t know what to make of the latest predicament he found himself in, and he lamented the fact that he was continuously hindered in his pursuit of an uncomplicated relationship. 

He kicked off his sneakers and watched them fall unceremoniously off the bed with a couple of thuds, then jumped sharply when his phone abruptly unleashed its piercing ring tone. He leaned forwards and waded through the layer of plastic wrappers on his bed with weighted arms, eventually retrieving his phone from inside of a now empty Ding Dongs box. He flicked it open with a frown and another sigh, not bothering to check the screen before lifting it to his ear.

“Yeah?” He grunted. 

A gasp sounded on the other end of the line. “That’s the warm reception I get, Cohen? I’m hurt.”

“Anna?” Seth asked in disbelief, sitting up straight. A slight sense of relief slowly seeped into his body. “Is that you?”

“My Spidey Sense is tingling, Cohen, and it’s telling me only one thing right now,” she began. The enthusiasm in her voice, Seth remembered fondly, was like the spring in her step. “It also doubles as my Cohen Conundrum Detector, and at the moment the sirens are blaring.”

Seth managed a tiny smile despite himself, and was glad that Anna’s contagious cheerfulness was, at the very least, not making him feel any worse. “Cohen Conundrum Detector? That’s a mouthful, how does it work?”

“Well for starters, I can hear you playing Radiohead on repeat all the way from Pittsburgh,” she teased. “Turn it off, that stuff is depressing.” 

“But I can’t,” Seth whined, like a child to their mother. “I have a compulsive need to play Radiohead when I’m sad. And I’m sad, Anna, I’m _sad_. Let me have Radiohead.”

Anna sighed this time, and Seth could practically hear her roll her eyes in the way she always had, long-suffering but fondly. “So my Spidey Sense wasn’t wrong. You _are_ wallowing in self-pity.”

Seth shoved his hand through his hair in a gesture of defeat. “Never doubt the Spidey Sense.”

“But Cohen!” Anna scolded sharply, “You and Golden Boy are barely two weeks old! What could you possibly have done to screw this one up already?” 

Momentarily speechless, Seth opened and closed his mouth much like a fish blowing bubbles. He blinked rapidly a few times and looked around wildly, as though it would reveal an appropriate answer. He had never managed to decipher the way in which Anna could always arrive exactly at the honest truth of the situation, regardless of his attempts to sway the story. Even when she had moved back to Pittsburgh and their conversations had been reduced to the telephone and email, Anna was still able to figure him out instantly, whether he wanted her to or not.

“Wha- what?” Seth stuttered, improvising an excuse only out of habit, not out of any desire to deter Anna. “What makes you think I screwed up? And why would you assume it’s about my love life? Or lack thereof,” he defended feebly, feigning outrage. “And _Golden Boy?_ Really?” 

Anna laughed, and then Seth really was outraged. “Cohen, I know you. Come on…” Anna paused for a few seconds, but Seth remained silent in an attempt to defend his honour. “And you talk about _Golden Boy_ all the time, like you’re the Lois Lane to his Clark Kent; the Mary Jane to his Peter Parker.”

“What!” Seth exclaimed, squirming around on the bed for a moment as though trying to find a comfortable position for this next part. “Okay, first of all, I’m more Team Gwen Stacy, but we’ve discussed this. And secondly, this is the exact problem,” Seth slammed his free hand down on the mattress for emphasis, making little plastic wrappers bounce and shake all across the bed and overbalancing Captain Oates. “ _This_ is the exact problem. This is why I’m all up in the Radiohead and Captain Oates and Ding Dongs right now, Anna. This is why I’m wallowing in self-pity and your Spidey Sense is tingling and you’re calling me because you _knew_ I screwed up again. Everyone else is making out under the pier and swapping STD’s, and no surprise, I’m at home by myself.” Seth stopped, swallowed and sighed. “This wasn’t supposed to happen this time.”

He dropped his forehead forward and glared at the bedspread. Anna was momentarily silent on the other end of the phone, and Seth took it as a chance to hit the ‘back’ button on the remote control once more. 

“I’ve hit a nerve,” Anna began. “Oh Seth, just turn Radiohead off and tell me what happened,” she urged, her voice adopting that motherly manner she reserved for times like this when Seth had dug himself into a hole that he couldn’t climb out of. 

While turning the volume down on the sound system, Seth groaned. “I don’t even know how it happened.”

“Well did you say something to him? Did you do something?” Anna inquired. “Did _he_ do something? Because I will fly down to Newport and deal with him, you know I will.”

“You sound like Summer,” Seth huffed something close to a laugh, then attempted a weak impression of Summer. “I swear to God, Chino, if you ever hurt his skinny ass I will hunt you down and beat you unconscious with one of your stupid, big, black boots!”

Anna snickered. “You know she’d do it too. So if Little Miss Vixen and Punky Spitfire have both got your back, what could be the problem?”

Seth paused for thought. “You girls.”

“Us girls?” Anna sounded bemused.

“Kind of. Not really. But yes, really, really. In fact, if it weren’t for you girls I think everything would be fine,” Seth began to ramble. “Everything would be fine and normal, because we wouldn’t be trying to make it the same as it is with _you girls_. We could just be two _guys_ , neither of which are girls, and we could do guy stuff and everything would be awesome and amazing, because there would be no girls.”

“What do you mean, Cohen?” Anna asked, and Seth could hear the challenging tone in her voice, almost daring him to answer. “Are you saying there’s something _wrong_ with us girls? Because I should remind you that there was a certain Thanksgiving I remember where you seemed to be rather enjoying _us girls_.”

Seth struggled around his words for a moment. “No, okay, what I mean is- what I meant to say is that girls are lovely and I love girls, you girls and all girls. Like you said, I once even loved two girls at the same time, and I loved them both so much that I couldn’t choose between then, and when my ex-girlfriend started to date _another_ girl I wasn’t even mad, Anna, because it was girl and girl, girl _on_ girl, and I actually think the happy gland in my brain exploded. That’s how much I love girls. There’s nothing wrong with girls, with all the… br-bras and the pointy stilettos and the sticky lip gloss and the waxing of… things. But in light of recent discoveries, I apparently don’t like girls as exclusively as I thought I did, and the pressure, Anna, oh my god the pressure! I can’t handle the pressure anymore, I can’t tell my left from my right anymore. Today I got my ass kicked by the machine in Ninja Gaiden 2. I’m telling you I’m losing my mind! And I blame the girls, not _you_ , being a girl and all, but I blame girls because-“ Seth stopped, barely leaving enough time to breath. “Hey does the word girl sound weird to you now? Say it ten times fast,” he waited, but Anna remained silent. “Okay, whatever, all I’m saying is that this situation would be girl-free and very straightforward if it weren’t for… all the girls,” he swallowed noisily and finally took a breath. 

“Well, obviously.”

“Obviously?”

Anna sighed, “Obviously, Cohen, it’s easier without girls in this situation, because there _are_ no girls in this situation.” She stopped for a second. “Or are there?” 

Seth groaned and stretched his body out, laying back so that his head hung upside down off one side of the bed, his feet sending plastic wrappers flying off the other. “No, there are no actual girls, just the metaphorical girl. Whoever that may be, we never managed to figure it out.” 

“Oh,” Anna huffed, and Seth knew now was about the time that she was due to release her infinite wisdom. “I get what you’re saying,” she continued, making Seth more anxious by the second. “You and Golden Boy aren’t faring as well as you had hoped because you’re both confused about where you stand in this whole thing.”

“Perhaps,” Seth began cautiously. “But I thought I was very, very _not_ confused about this. I thought I was finally, for the first time in my life, entering a situation that involved no confusion,” he ran his free hand over his eyes roughly. “After that sacred night with the admitting of the feelings and the revelations and the me being probably the happiest person alive, I thought I was clear of confusion, Anna, I had assumed this would actually be _easy_.”

If Anna had been there with him it would have been now that she linked her arm with his and rested her head on his shoulder. “Oh, Seth,” she sighed. “You know love is never easy. It doesn’t matter who it’s with, it’s never going to be a walk in the park.” 

“But I thought all the problems I had in the past with you and Summer and- okay, wait, wait, you and I never really had problems. Much. Because you’re awesome, Anna, you’re amazing. If we had any problems it was all on me.”

Anna snorted, “Quit ass-licking and continue.”

Seth cleared his throat and switched the phone into his other hand, struggling to sit up slowly and heaving out a huff of exasperation. “I just thought I was really bad with girls, like hopelessly bad. Hopelessly bad with girls like Death Cab is hopelessly bad with optimism. And the whole being-bad-with-girls thing made this new not-involving-girls-at-all thing much easier to comprehend, like someone had finally opened my eyes, like all of a sudden everything made sense.” He took a deep breath and dropped his head forward once more, scowling at his crossed legs. “But I don’t know why he bothers, I’m such-”

“A lost cause when it comes to love and you always will be,” Anna finished for him.

Seth failed to note the sardonic tone in her voice, and he nodded. “Pretty much.” He could hear her moving around on the other end of the line, and in his mind he saw her standing up to pace backwards and forwards in her bedroom. 

“Cohen!” 

Seth jumped, almost as though to escape the impending pain that would normally have followed. His time spent with Summer had instilled in him the impulse to flinch backwards and shield his face whenever he heard a female voice become shrill. 

“You’re doing it again,” Anna accused. “You’re putting yourself down and not trusting your instincts!” She heaved a sigh of frustration, and Seth readied himself. “You spent so many months being miserable and mixed up because you were feeling all of these things you thought you shouldn’t be, and after endless soul-searching and even more self-absorption than usual, not to mention hours on the phone to me asking questions that I couldn’t possibly answer for you, you finally came to terms with it and accepted it. Then you moped because you were all Quasimodo for Esmeralda and you two could never be together, and _then_ the amazing happens, this incredible thing happened, Cohen. He felt the same way.” She paused for breath, and Seth marvelled at how different the whole situation sounded when explained by someone else. “You’ve handled yourself so well so far,” she sounded like a proud parent, as though her long hours had paid off. “When you told me that bit about how you two were playing Playstation in the pool house and he beat you for the fourth time in a row, then you turned to look at him and you could see it in his eyes, you just _knew_ … Seth, it was so sweet! Right in that moment you admitted something to yourself and you trusted your instincts about someone else, and then even though it took you weeks after that to finally make the move, _you_ made the move. As frightening as that situation always is, you acted like a _man_ , Cohen. You decided what you wanted, and then you made it happen.”

The words resounded in his head, and Seth remained silent for the time being. He was enduring a disconcerting mixture of self-satisfaction after hearing Anna’s praise and a feathery flutter in his stomach as he remembered the night she had described, only two weeks earlier. However, the buoyant feeling that floated fleetingly into his chest was weighed down by sandbags packed full of hopelessness that he couldn’t seem to cut loose. Months filled with constant questions, awkwardness and paralyzing self-doubt had resulted in the most rewarding experience he could recall in all of his almost-eighteen years, and he had revelled in the accompanying feeling of certainty and relief that his life had been so devoid of. His fear, and the cause of his current distress, was that with the one thing he had been convinced was entirely unattainable finally in his grasp, he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it. It was as though he had been fully focussed on finishing a race without tripping over, and hadn’t even thought about the gold medal shining just beyond the finish line. As a result, what followed was the concern that, after everything, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. He couldn’t decipher what it was that he was supposed to do, or what it meant now that he was on the verge of doing it, and to Seth that screamed miscalculation. He was beginning to think that he had bitten off more than he could chew, and what made matters worse was that he was far from alone in that predicament. 

“So you’re saying,” Seth slowly started, “that in the past few weeks I have, in fact, been acting like more of a man than I did when I was… an actual man.”

Anna huffed with impatience. “Cohen! You see this as surrendering your masculinity, don’t you?”

“Well, you have to admit, it’s rather-“

“Oh my god, teenage boys!” she exclaimed. “You don’t automatically turn into a girl once you go out with a guy, Seth. I thought you of all people would have realised that, sometimes, a guy just wants to date another guy, end of story. There are no girls involved. Don’t think about stupid stereotypes and this negative image you have in your mind, and just consider your own situation.” Anna was wound up, but Seth found comfort in it. Anna irate was nothing in comparison to Summer irate, and he knew that she would supply a solution in the end like always. “And yes, until now you’d been acting like the man I always knew you could be, but right now you’re letting me down. You’re straddling that line between putting up and giving up, aren’t you?”

Seth groaned, “I should just-”

“What have I always told you?” She interrupted.

“Uhh,” Seth began, scratching his fingers through his hair as though it would help him produce an answer. “Marvel is infinitely superior to DC because you love The Avengers more than you should? You think Conor Oberst would be hot if he just got rid of the weird hair? I don’t know-”

“ _Confidence, Cohen!_ ” Anna cried out. 

Seth was transported back to all the times she had told him the same thing in the past, but he failed to see how confidence was going to get him out of this situation. “Yeah, no. Sorry Anna, but I don’t think any level of confidence on my part will help this time.”

There was a slumping sound and Seth figured Anna had thrown herself down on her bed. “How so?” she inquired, her voice quiet and clear. “You’re in this situation because you don’t trust your feelings and you’re thinking too hard about everything, therefore you don’t know how to move forward from here. You’ve started to doubt decisions that you had previously been so sure about, and now you’re considering not even moving forward at all. Because you have no confidence! Why would you throw this one away, Seth? I thought you were sure of this.”

Seth stretched backwards to lie down against his pillows. “I don’t want to give up, but it’s more difficult than I thought it would be. I don’t know how to do this; I don’t know how to be… this.”

“Gay?” Anna offered bluntly, and Seth flinched. It was a word and an implication that he had avoided thinking about as much as he could, and the unexpected use of the word put him on edge. 

“Stop with the- not with the g-… that word,” Seth stammered, hurling an arm across his eyes in an attempt to block out reality.

“Look Seth, I know caveman Water Polo players have used it against you for years, but it doesn’t have to mean bad things,” Anna explained, the exasperation in her voice now replaced with that familiar mothering tone. “You don’t have to classify anything, but it would be crazy to let insecurities and confusion about who or _what_ you are get in your way of being happy.”

“I’m seventeen,” Seth began, “am I even supposed to know who I am yet?”

“I guess not, but shouldn’t you be trying to find out? He makes you _happy_ , Cohen. Doesn’t he?”

Seth nodded to himself, removing his arm from his face and staring vacantly at the roof above him. “Yeah, he d- he did.”

“But don’t you feel that buzzing in your blood stream every time you’re with him? Does your skin tingle where he touches you?”

“Admittedly it’s kinda awkward talking about it with my ex-girlfriend, but yes it does,” Seth conceded. “Anna, I just don’t know if-“

“Well then it’s a pretty straightforward situation,” Anna continued fervently. “If the problem is that neither of you know how you’re supposed to move forward because you don’t know what your role is in the relationship, then consider this,” Anna rationalized. “You’re not _supposed_ to do or be anything in particular, you’re just supposed to enjoy being together. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Enjoying each other’s company and being together because you really like each other?”

“It’s not that simple,” Seth complained.

“Well if it isn’t, Seth, maybe you have some serious thinking to do. But promise me that you’ll tackle the rest of the obstacles that you and Ryan face in the same way that brought you together in the first place,” she insisted, and Seth was again reminded of how thankful he was for a friend who cared as much as Anna did. “With _confidence_. Do what feels natural, whatever that may be. Don’t worry about what other people might think, because at the end of the day all that matters is what _you_ think and how _you_ feel.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s simple, Seth; you have to be sure about what it is that you want, and then make it happen. You’ve already proven that you can do that, so now it’s time for round two.” 

As he continued to stare at the ceiling above him, Seth was overwhelmed by the thoughts reverberating through his head. He wasn’t sure if the weight on his shoulders felt heavier or lighter, but he was starting to figure out how to shift the load and carry on. He spent a moment pondering, pacing back and forth amongst the complex questions in his mind, but he knew that Anna’s message had managed to penetrate at last, and he accepted the symbolic leg-up that she was offering. 

He sighed, lighter this time, clearing his lungs of the haze they had been housing. “Anna, you’re so wise. Like a self-help book. Or a preacher.”

“Not that you would know,” Anna snickered, “since you prefer to listen to Radiohead and talk to Captain Oates when you’re drowning in misery.” The warmth in her voice finally reached Seth’s body and it eased the tension between his shoulders. “How’s he doing, anyway?”

Seth picked up his noble steed. “He’s good, but he hasn’t said a word all day.” 

“You know what he would tell you if he was talking?” Anna asked. 

“What’s that?” Seth examined Captain Oates closely, waiting for what he had to say.

“Confidence, Cohen.”

Seth sat up and put the plastic horse back down beside him, then ran a palm across his face a few times to wake himself up. He indulged in the rare feeling of finally seeing the silver lining when up until now there had been nothing but stormy skies. He once again wondered how Anna had managed it. 

“Do you need me to help you devise a cunning plan?” Anna offered.

“Uh, no. I don’t think so.” He took a deep breath. “I think I know what I have to do.”

“Cohen, I’m proud.”

Seth thanked and bid farewell to a laughing Anna. He rolled off his bed, flinging little plastic wrappers every which way, and struggled to put his shoes back on in his haste. After a quick detour into his bathroom to brush the layers of sugar from his teeth and rid his throat of the sharp tang of too much chocolate, he returned to his bedroom to switch off the music and rummage through the disorder on his desk to uncover his iPod. He slid it into his back pocket and breathed a cleansing breath.

With an unusual sense of clarity dawning on him, he muttered “Wish me luck, Oates,” over his shoulder on his way out the door. He was in the midst of one of the few moments in his life when he knew exactly what he had to do; no doubts and no going back. He could foresee problems appearing already, more mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome, but he would deal with them in time. Right now he had a hurdle to clamber over, and while he still wasn’t completely sure how to conquer it, he gripped onto confidence and carried on headfirst.


	2. Chapter 2

When Seth stepped outside of the empty house and into the balmy evening air, he saw the pool house lights on, the blinds drawn and the door barely ajar. His determination and composure were swiftly replaced with a nagging sense of fear, and he suddenly faltered in his tracks, not entirely sure if he was making the most clever of moves. He paused momentarily to reconsider his plan, asking himself again if this was really the right choice, but with one hand on the door handle behind him and his eyes set on the pool house, Anna’s words of encouragement resounded in his head.

Seth heaved a deep breath to quieten his nerves. He climbed the stairs leading to the pool house beating a haphazard, uneven rhythm on his thighs with his hands. Licking his lips and gulping down another deep breath, briefly fascinated by his nervousness, Seth tried to remind himself that visiting the pool house was an entirely ordinary activity. He steadied himself, and after a couple of quiet, cautious knocks, pulled the door open slowly. 

“Ryan?” He asked weakly. “You in there?”

As he peered around the door he found Ryan standing by his bed, halfway through removing his watch. He looked up over his shoulder straight away, and Seth watched the progress of emotions rush across his face as his eyes grew wide. An initial flash of fondness flickered past briefly, but it quickly became what Seth interpreted to be hesitation. Ryan swallowed awkwardly and appeared to struggle to find the right words, his expression now a plain portrayal of panic. 

With a jumpy little wave Seth stepped up to the doorway, his other hand still firmly grasping the door. “Hey, man,” he began, feeling foolish and exposed, disliking how uncomfortable this already was. 

Ryan took a moment to respond, his eyes remaining wide and worried. “Hey,” he mumbled barely above a whisper, dropping his watch onto the bedside table as he slowly turned to face Seth.

“You, uhh,” Seth struggled, “you just get in?”

Ryan nodded, hands falling uselessly to his sides. “Few minutes ago.” He stared back at Seth, who stared back at him, loitering anxiously in the doorway. 

Seth cleared his throat. This was more difficult than he had expected. “S-so, um, did you have a good night? What did you do? Did you, uh, did you go to the pier, or did you- what did you…” he trailed off, mentally kicking himself and ordering a ceasefire on the rambling. 

Ryan blinked a couple of times and then nodded again. “Yeah, went to the pier,” his voice was quiet and controlled. He waited a moment, as though he expected Seth to plough on, but Seth merely nodded his head and smothered the urge to fill the silence with more rambled nonsense. Ryan carefully continued, “Sandy and Kirsten home?”

Seth viewed Ryan’s question as a small victory and supposed that there was possibly hope for this conversation yet. He shook his head in response. “No, no they’re out. Said something about Julie Cooper and a double date.”

Ryan fixed his eyes on Seth, and Seth could feel his skin start to tingle and his cheeks grow warm. The worry in Ryan’s eyes made room for something close to curiosity as he watched Seth lingering outside the door. “You can come in, Seth,” he stated bluntly.

With a flurry of limbs and a mumbled “Yeah, no, yeah, I was just, yeah,” Seth stepped inside and tugged the door shut behind him. 

He shoved his hands in his front pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. Ryan cautiously took a seat on the very edge of his bed, dragging his palms up and down his thighs distractedly as he did, and Seth watched him dip his head down and study his hands. He took a moment to consider all off the things that he could do with Ryan right now that would classify as natural, but he came up short. They had been alone in the pool house together more times than Seth could fathom, but now with so many expectations and so much pressure he was finding that it was a struggle to act on his instincts and enjoy Ryan’s company, as Anna had reminded him to. 

Making up his mind, he kicked aside the crippling craving to turn and take off as fast as he could, and adjusted his grip on confidence. It was now or never, he supposed, so he cleared his throat, took a step forward and began to talk, but at the very same time Ryan lifted his head and spoke as well. 

“Oh,” Seth began, embarrassed, “go ahead.”

“No, no, it’s fine, you go,” Ryan urged.

“Seriously, it’s cool, what were you-“

“I’m okay, man, you go.”

“Yeah, no, I was just going to say, um…” Seth began, and Ryan gazed at him expectantly. He lost his words all over again when he realised exactly how much sidestepping the two of them were suffering though, and he looked back at Ryan as a feeling of desperation seeped into his chest. It bothered him that Ryan’s wide blue eyes, now anxious and unsure, had so recently stared back at him bright with contentment. Even before they had taken the giant leap from friendship to something more they had never endured such an uncomfortable atmosphere, and Seth was worried that things wouldn’t be able to return to how they had been. 

He took the last steps towards the bed, turned and slowly sat down, leaving a fair few inches between himself and where Ryan was perched, still watching him. “This is, uh,” Seth began again, thinking that maybe it was better to fill the silence with his rambling after all, because it did a far better job than the excruciating quiet. “This is new, this awkward silence and the not knowing what to say thing. Don’t think that’s ever happened to me before, you know, struggling for words, I mean. But I guess there’s a first time for everything.” He stopped and gambled a glimpse at Ryan, who was still looking at him. Ryan then quickly ducked his head, nodding slightly at Seth’s remark. Seth patted the sides of his thighs a few times, not sure what to do with his hands, then settled on staring at them. “So I know you probably don’t want to hear me out, considering all the stuff I said, but… um.”

Seth saw Ryan shake his head in his peripheral vision. “Nah, man, I said some stupid stuff too,” he mumbled, lifting his head. “I freaked out, I guess.”

“Yeah, me too,” Seth nodded, somewhat relieved. “I realised that I have no clue what I’m doing.” 

Ryan huffed an attempt at a nervous laugh and turned his head to face Seth again. “Neither do I.”

“Yeah,” Seth said inanely, his gaze still fixed firmly on his hands as he stalled and agonized over how to continue. He wasn’t accustomed to having any difficulty when it came to words. “But it’s just… every time I try something it feels like it backfires,” he began quietly. “It’s like we can’t seem to work out what we’re doing here, so I just don’t know. I don’t know what there is left to try,” he admitted, still glaring holes in his hands. He bit his lower lip for a moment, before he carried on. “But, um, I don’t think we _should_ try anymore.” 

Seth placed his hands on his knees, anxiously drumming his fingers. His relief at finally having the crux of the crisis spoken aloud was overwhelmed by the hammering of his heart. The confrontation and honesty made him nervous, as did the anticipation of Ryan’s response. He could see that Ryan was still looking at him, and for the first time since he had stepped into the pool house his instincts were speaking up. He gripped his knees tight, resisting the compulsion to reach across and grab Ryan’s knee instead, and tried to keep his impulses in check, aware of the fact that they wouldn’t help the situation. 

After what felt like an age, Ryan shakily cleared his throat. “Do you not want to do this anymore?”

The bottom dropped out of Seth’s stomach. His head snapped up to find panic in Ryan’s eyes, and he hadn’t ever seen him reveal such vulnerability, but he watched as Ryan swiftly safeguarded it within those rock-solid walls that Seth had worked so hard to break down. 

Ryan swallowed. “Because if you’re done just tell me, and… and we’re done.” He shrugged and dropped his head forward.

Seth seemed to have lost the use of his voice, lost any ability to communicate at all. His brain struggled to comprehend the inner-turbulence that was shaking havoc into his self-control, but it was still able to understand the shock of Ryan having let it all go so readily, without a fight. Seth was here simply to fight. He was here solely to seize what he wanted and make sure it was his for the long haul. If Ryan was willing to throw it away so easily, pull up his stakes and continue on his trek alone, then Seth no longer knew where he stood.

Ryan was looking down at his hands and his shoulders were rigid with hostility, rising and falling in an unnatural tempo. Seth could almost feel the resentment resonating out of him, forcing them further apart. He felt the blood begin to throb through his veins again, loud in his ears and hard against his heart, and he forced himself to search for clarity in his mind and try to mend this.

“ _Ryan,_ ” he whispered, pleaded and begged in one word, desperate to drill sense back into the situation. Ryan lifted his head and his eyes met Seth’s, wide and unguarded, no longer veiling anything. Seth could see the truth staring vividly back at him, and he didn’t waste another second swimming in doubts and fears. He took hold of confidence again, and hastened to turn his body to face Ryan’s, scooting towards him, one bent leg sliding onto the bed in front of him. He stopped just short of placing his hands on Ryan’s arm. 

“Don’t do that thing where you push people away because you think they’re going to push _you_ away,” he urged, almost frantic. “I’m not leaving you, and I still want this. I know you do too, right?” 

Ryan took a moment to respond and he blinked through disbelief a couple of times. “ _Yes_ , yeah. I still do.” 

Seth didn’t know how to react accurately, to the whole situation in general, but he smiled at Ryan. Relief inched little by little into those familiar eyes that he just wanted to lose himself in, and it set his skin alight.

Ryan shook his head as though trying to rid his mind of a baffling daydream. “I thought you were,” he paused to swallow. “I thought that you-”

“No,” Seth interrupted with a small chuckle, pulling absent-mindedly at the scruffy cuff of his jeans. “No way, you can’t escape me that easily. I’m like an ant infestation, Ryan, once I’m inside you’ll never really be rid of me. I’m relentless, I’ll crawl back in.” 

Ryan came around and managed to laugh quietly, and he slowly, as though making certain Seth could see it coming, laid a hand lightly on Seth’s calf just above where his fingers were tugging the torn denim hem. Seth had missed the heat of Ryan’s touch that filtered through fabric and feelings alike, rousing a reaction on this skin beneath his clothes and in the depths of his lungs like nothing else had before. He shifted his fingers and shyly slid them around Ryan’s wrist, smoothed them across his knuckles and the back of his hand, and revelled in his right to do it. Seth let himself sink into Ryan’s eyes, allowing both of them a moment to feel at ease, like returning home after a long day at work. 

“I was just saying that,” Seth started again quietly, this time considerably more composed, “I think we’re trying _too hard_ , you know?” 

Ryan sighed, his fingers briefly squeezing Seth’s leg in encouragement. “Yeah, probably. But the other night... I feel like it’ll keep happening if we don’t sort things out.”

“What, like the who-walks-who-home dilemma? I promise I was joking when I said I’d buy you flowers,” Seth smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I really don’t want to buy you any flowers.”

Ryan’s gaze lowered towards their hands, which were still resting together in-between them both. “I know, but there are just things that I’m used to doing, and I guess I can’t do a lot of them with you because it’ll piss you off, or-“

Seth shook his head. “Honestly, I won’t be pissed if you pay for the movie, or whatever.”

Ryan shrugged. “But that’s just it. I mean, I used to take girls to the Diner and pay for the meal, but I’m not exactly going to do that with you, am I?”

“What, buy food for me?” Seth asked, his fingers sweeping softly along the inside of Ryan’s wrist. “Dude, you know how much I like free food. And I bought you coffee at school at least twice last week, so I figure you owe me.”

Looking back up at Seth, Ryan sighed. There was disappointment creeping into his eyes. “I just don’t really know how this is supposed to work, that’s all. I wish I did.”

Seth pulled his fingers away from Ryan’s and began to stand up. “What, Seth-Ryan time? You know exactly how that works, we’ve been doing it forever,” he replied as he headed towards the speakers sitting underneath Ryan’s television. He pulled his iPod out of his back pocket and connected it, flicking through the songs until he found what he was after. “Because that’s exactly what this is, Ry, it’s Seth-Ryan time; now with a slightly different code of conduct, I will admit, but that just makes things more interesting, dude. And minty. But it’s alright because it’s kind of a minty situation.”

The song began to play softly in the background, and Ryan raised his brows at Seth as he turned around. “I didn’t know you liked Jack Johnson.”

Seth was impressed. “I really, truly don’t, but it’s an appropriate song,” he shrugged. “I didn’t know you even knew who he was.” 

Ryan chuckled. “Newport,” he answered, as though it explained everything.

Seth moved back around the bed, coming to a stop a few steps in front of Ryan. Ryan stared up at him suspiciously, that unconvinced expression on his face that Seth was especially familiar with. He stretched one arm out, palm up, beckoning Ryan forward. 

“Come on, Ry. Stand up,” He urged with a smirk on his face. 

Eyes drifting dubiously down Seth’s body and back up again, Ryan’s expression didn’t falter. He stood up slowly, and Seth could tell he had figured out what was going on when he didn’t step forward, his eyes flickering between Seth’s face and his outstretched hand sceptically. 

“Come on, man,” Seth prompted again, taking a step backwards and keeping his arm held forward. “Put your hands on me, I know you want to.” 

“Seth,” Ryan warned tensely, wiping his palms on his jeans, his shoulders tensed. “This isn’t exactly-”

“Manly?” Seth offered. “I know, but whatever. I want to show you something, Ry, come on. Jack Johnson waits for no man.” 

He lifted his other arm and beckoned Ryan closer. When Ryan finally stepped within reach, Seth pulled him in by the waist, fingers resting softly over the fabric of his grey t-shirt. Ryan seemed to struggle to settle on where to put his hands, and finally laid them cautiously on Seth’s upper-arms. Seth sighed when he saw the look of reluctance glaring back at him. 

“If it helps…” Seth shifted his arms to drape loosely over Ryan’s shoulders, and Ryan’s hands slid smoothly down to gently grasp Seth’s hips. “I’m marginally taller, so I guess it makes sense. Plus this way your hands are closer to my ass,” he teased, and Ryan laughed quietly, the apprehension in his eyes fading. 

“So what is it you want to show me, huh?” Ryan studied him with the indulgent expression he so often wore when he was withstanding bizarre behaviour like this, and Seth found it to be charming. 

“I, my good friend,” Seth began, drawing Ryan nearer by sliding one arm across both of his shoulders, bringing the other hand down to cup one of his cheeks, “am showing you that it doesn’t matter what we do when we hang out.” He lowered his head a fraction and pressed his lips to Ryan’s other cheek. Amidst the noisy smacking sounds that his kissing created, Seth could feel Ryan’s cheek pull up into a smile against his lips. “Because as long as you’re enjoying it, I’ll keep doing it, and I don’t care what it’s supposed to mean,” he mumbled against Ryan’s skin, and he slowly began to sway ever so slightly to the soft beat of the music. 

Ryan puffed out a silent laugh and slid his hands smoothly around Seth’s hips to pull their bodies closer together, letting the swaying of Seth’s body move his too. “I hope I’m more than just your good friend by this point.”

Seth chuckled as he removed his lips from Ryan’s cheek with one last loud kiss, and shifted so that their foreheads rested together. Ryan watched Seth’s mouth move through lowered lashes and Seth was mesmerized. “You’re my main man, my partner in crime, my co-conspirator,” be began in a hushed voice, for Ryan’s ears only. He stoked his thumb lightly across Ryan’s cheek and delighted in the resulting hitch of Ryan’s breath. “The Pinky to my Brain, brother from another mother…”

“Cousin from Boston,” they both joked in unison. Ryan’s eyes slid up to meet Seth’s, almost too close to focus fully, and their bellies shook against one other with laughter. 

“Okay, so we may have to stop with the being-somehow-related jokes, considering recent events. But see, Ryan, Jack Johnson said it himself; it’s always better when we’re together,” Seth murmured, brushing his forehead against Ryan’s temple, the tip of his nose grazing over Ryan’s cheekbone. “The Ironist needs Kid Chino by his side otherwise he’s a lone ranger out there.” He knocked Ryan’s knee playfully with his own, and then steered their bodies into a slow spin as they continued to sway with the music. The fingers gripping Ryan’s shoulder shifted to trace lightly up and down the back of his neck, drifting through pale-coloured hair, causing Ryan to release a quiet sigh. Ryan slid one hand smoothly up Seth’s back to rest in-between his shoulder blades, the other arm wrapping tighter around his waist. Seth hummed along with the music faintly, a smirk on his face as Ryan snorted and shook his head.

Tilting his head around a fraction, Ryan dropped a delicate kiss onto the corner of Seth’s mouth. “Please don’t start singing, Seth,” he pleaded in a whisper, nudging their noses together, “I won’t forgive you.”

Seth smirked wider still and took a deep breath. “With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do,” he began singing with the music, shifting his hand from Ryan’s face to wind his arm around the shoulders which shook with laughter, “or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree.”

Ryan dropped his forehead onto Seth’s shoulder as he snickered. “Mango tree?” he asked in disbelief. “Why do you even know the words?”

“I learnt them for you, Ry. I endured countless unforgiving hours of study, man, all for this one moment.”

“Was this your cunning plan all along? Woo me with strange love songs while your parents are out and no one can hear me scream for help?” Ryan murmured, lifting his head just enough to glide his nose and lips along Seth’s jaw lightly. 

“I wouldn’t really stand a chance against your fists of fury, so,” Seth muttered, his voice faltering and eyes slipping closed. 

Ryan hummed in response, kissed Seth’s chin and then nibbled one spot on his lower lip. A sudden surge of butterflies created chaos in Seth’s chest and his head began to spin, and he wondered if Ryan would always be able to rouse that response in him. Their lips skimmed and traced, their breath blending together in the minor space between them, noses nuzzling and hands and arms moving only to pull the other closer. Instinctively they both parted their lips, Seth’s sliding higher by a degree and Ryan’s sneaking a little lower, both of them indulging in the moment, hovering there in the captivating split-second before the kiss came. 

They each inhaled deeply and took the plunge, becoming surrounded and submerged in the other’s lips, eyelids fluttering and shoulders rising. Seth’s senses called out in a craving for more, suddenly aware of every inch of Ryan that was touching him. He twisted his fingertips into Ryan’s hair, surrendering to Ryan’s lips and asking himself how he had ever managed to get by without this. Ryan’s hands left a searing sensation on every point they touched, and the tingling low in Seth’s belly almost became too much to bear. He felt his chest impulsively sink into Ryan’s when he decided that the only thing he loved more than kissing Ryan was the simple fact that he was allowed to. 

In that moment, with the strong arms that he had been so infatuated with wound firmly around his waist, Seth realised that there couldn’t possibly be anything else that mattered. If someone could inspire this much fulfilment and elation to burn inside his body, then the minor details and dilemmas that threatened to tie this up in knots could surely be easily unravelled. He may be young, Seth conceded, and notoriously clumsy in love, but he vowed to himself that he would clear away the clutter of expectations and uncertainties in his mind and move forward with this, whatever it was shaping up to be, with the clarity and confidence that he had finally managed to muster. To him, there simply was no other alternative in his life to this.

Their lips clung as they gradually pulled apart; taking it slow as though it was an arduous task. Ryan slid his hands back to rest on Seth’s hips, their bodies no longer moving with the music but swaying slowly together, twisting lazily left and then right. Seth ducked his head down and kissed Ryan’s cheek lazily. He had to do it again twice before he could pull away. 

Ryan opened his eyes and studied Seth with a small sigh puffing past his lips. “I don’t want to mess this up, Seth,” he whispered. “You and me. I’d go crazy if I couldn’t do this everyday.”

“We won’t mess it up,” Seth answered, straightforward and certain. “Can’t really mess up Seth-Ryan time, can we? It’s pretty simple stuff.” He smirked at Ryan and ruffled his hair swiftly before he could dodge away. 

The song in the background changed, and Seth whimpered. Ryan raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“I really have to change the song,” he whined, starting to pull away from Ryan. Ryan rolled his eyes and tilted forward with smiling lips poised for another kiss, but Seth laughed and ducked away, pulling both hands around to cup Ryan’s face. “No, I’m totally serious, man, I can only withstand so much Jack Johnson. Please, Ry.” He tried to squirm free again, pressing his hands up against Ryan’s shoulders for leverage.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Ryan instructed, his voice a low growl that more than delighted Seth. He thwarted any attempts at escape by snaking his arms down and digging his hands deep into the back pockets of Seth’s jeans, then he squeezed each handful cheekily. 

Seth cried out in response, “Oh my god, you’re molesting me!” He tipped his head back with laughter, awarding Ryan easy access to his neck. “Ryan, please let me change the song,” he protested as Ryan nestled his nose and mouth into his throat, nibbling downwards to the dip between his collarbones. Seth began backing up step by step in the direction of the speakers, pulling Ryan along with him. “My ears are actually starting to bleed, dude, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

Ryan chuckled against Seth’s skin and then swiftly swung him around by the hips, successfully blurring his vision. He pressed up against Seth’s back as they neared the offending iPod, and his fingers crept beneath Seth’s t-shirt to graze up and down the thin trail of hair beneath his bellybutton. Seth flopped back heavily against Ryan with a satisfied sigh.

“Gee, Brain,” Ryan smirked against Seth’s shoulder, “what do you want to do tonight?”

“The same thing we do every night, Pinky!” Seth exclaimed in response.

“Good, so we’re gonna play Playstation? If you’re lucky I might let you win this time.”

“Oh, them’s fighting words, Atwood. You are _on_.”


End file.
